This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.