Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
You Might Also Like
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
wut hotdog?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.