Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.