in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Got ya covered
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything