My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
my name if I was in the mob
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
181.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.