Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
You Might Also Like
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.