SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
You Might Also Like
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.