i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Unimpressed
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My first child will be named New Folder.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances