*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Every work meeting this week
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I feel this so hard
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.