Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Very problematic
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!