Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
PLOT TWIST:
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.