I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
You Might Also Like
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
s
oc
i
a
l
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.