doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur