I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Free him
inside you are two wolves
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say