Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
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I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Become ungovernable.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.