Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
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You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I feel this so hard
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.