MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever