Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
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I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Wait for it
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
#Caturday
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert