I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Lmfao
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
*limbos away from your hug*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating