I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
yes… yes…
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Confused owl: What?!
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in