Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Got him!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
brian had himself a morning…