I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
You Might Also Like
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m not proud
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.