Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
oh my god
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“i am a sweet baby”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.