Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours