My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever