When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Dishonest mechanic?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight