JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you