You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.