A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.