My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob