Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.