Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
You Might Also Like
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun