“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE