I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
You Might Also Like
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.