I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this