If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.