Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies