Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?