Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.