Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Probably my best painting.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.