Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Follow me for more life hacks.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage