HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
You Might Also Like
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I am a gravy boat captain
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant