Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?