that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.