Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
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it was love at first sight
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit