karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
New menu item
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.