Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Meeeee too!