me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The news in a nutshell.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
getting old is fun
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze