if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Mouse
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.