me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!